My Husband Doesn’t Help Around the House- What Now?

A very common frustration voiced by women is, “my husband doesn’t help around the house.”

This frustration goes beyond simply wanting someone else to do the dishes or fold the laundry (although, how nice would that be?), it’s about feeling like you have an equal partnership- and feeling like you are valued. Feeling like you are carrying your household and family on your back can lead to resentment and burnout.

If this sounds familiar, know that you are not alone. Many wives and moms feel the heavy weight of the seemingly invisible load of housework. Let’s talk about some ways that you can address this imbalance in your marriage.

Here’s what we’ll talk about:

1. Root Issues
2. Addressing Imbalance
3. Professional Help

Root Issues

Let’s talk about a few possible reasons why there could be a heavy imbalance of household work in your marriage.

• Different Upbringings– maybe your husband grew up with a mother who did everything and was the perfect homemaker- and loved it. These early experiences in life can shape the way men view gender roles.
• Standards of “Clean”– your version of a clean kitchen may look completely different from his version. He might feel peace while there are still a couple dishes in the sink and a toy or two in the living room. This same scenario may cause you to feel differently.
• Lack of Awareness– your husband may have fallen in to the habit of only doing what he is asked. If you are the manager in your household and he is simply the helper, the state of your home is probably on your mind way more than his.
• Work Stress– if your husband works all day, he’s probably dealing with fatigue and some level of stress. This can create a complicated dynamic of him wanting to rest when he gets home, and you wanting him to help.
• Past Criticism– let’s be honest, we’ve all make little comments about how our husbands loaded the dishwasher wrong or didn’t wipe down the counters properly. Men can be prideful, and he probably didn’t forget your comment. He probably thinks that he might as well not try at all because you might tell him he did it wrong anyways.

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Addressing Imbalance

The only way to work towards a more balanced household is to address how you are feeling. Resentment doesn’t help anyone.

1.  The first thing to keep in mind is that you need to communicate openly and without blame. Instead of shouting, “you never help me around the house!” Try something like, “I am feeling very overwhelmed with the day to day household tasks. I would love some help from you so it feels more balanced.” Try to remember to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, focusing on how you feel.
2. Create a list. Many tasks that women do are unseen. Your husband probably doesn’t even realize the amount of things you do and have to think about in order to keep the oder of your home. One way to make these things visible is to make a full list of duties so that he can see everything you do. This can include daily tidying up, heavier weekly chores, and mentally taxing chores like kids schedules, meal planning, etc. From there, you can work on dividing up tasks.
3. Split tasks by your strengths. Maybe your partner cant stand vacuuming, but you don’t mind it. Maybe you hate making breakfast but they find it relaxing. Maybe you don’t mind meal planning, but you want him to pick up the weekly groceries. Remember, fair doesn’t always equal a 50/50 split.
4. Let go of perfectionism and micromanaging. Maybe your husband wont fold your clothes exactly the way you like it, but try to let it go. Focus on appreciating his efforts.
5. Create a system that works for your relationship- every couple is different, and every couple divides things up differently. If you try a schedule and it doesn’t work, allow for flexibility. Some couples like to trade off every night with one person cleaning up dinner and toys while the other does bedtime.

Professional Help

If nothing is changing within your dynamic, and resentment is building, couples therapy can be a helpful step. A therapist can  provide guidance on conflict resolution, communication, and help you set fair expectations. They can also help dig deeper and see what else may be going on under the surface.

Final Thoughts on My Husband Doesn’t Help Around the House- What Now?

A partnership should feel like teamwork, and household responsibilities should be shared in a way that feels fair to both partners. If your husband doesn’t help around the house, start by having an open conversation, making tasks visible, and setting expectations. With patience and communication, you can create a home environment where both partners feel supported and valued.

If you need guidance navigating these challenges, therapy can provide the tools and space to build a healthier, more balanced relationship. Seeking support isn’t about blame- it’s about building a stronger, more connected partnership.